Life Jackets Issued To All Americans For Some Reason Could happen... (The Onion) Added Cheney: "The U.S. has received no threats at any time in the past 22 hours, so you can all just relax." ... Despite such assurances, many Americans remain concerned. ... "I don't like having to keep the kids in their little water wings," said Michelle Barerras, a Grand Junction, CO, third-grade teacher. "They look really cute in them, but it's unnerving. And this morning, all the teachers have received a Department of Education memo informing us that geography units would soon be obsolete. It's being replaced with a special 'Swimming Is Fun-damental!' unit with an emphasis on surviving high waves and avoiding waterborne automobiles. Why?"